One thing that helped me through this process was John Pipers sermon on despondency, which I will provide a link for on the side. Keep in mind this is just me trying to work through what I have been going through and attempting to articulate my thoughts. After talking to a Ben and Clint yesterday, and then listening to Tim Foster's sermon on Purposeful Discipline I think I will need to reevaluate parts of this (most of which was written on Thursday).
I'm not sure why but for as long as I can remember I have always been unable to express myself, my ideas, or opinions without first meticulously analyzing them. For some reason I have put this requirement on myself that I feel like I must know as much as humanly possible about any subject that requires my feedback or input. When I am pushed to respond before I feel completely confident in what I have to say, I usually shrug my shoulders and you can expect my all too common response of "I don't know." In addition, and far worse, is this tendency to attempt to analyze my thoughts, which are often simultaneously analyzing my surroundings. This is where my indecisiveness has come from and consequently my lack of confidence, resulting in a recurring stagnation.
Indecision and Confidence
By constantly analyzing my thoughts I always find a way of realizing my sinful nature and tendencies hidden within even good thoughts and intentions. With this sort of critical inner scrutiny it seems as if it has become impossible to be confident in anything I say. Confidence, in my opinion, comes from believing in something. That you can believe something is true and right and will not fail you. This confidence can then potentially enable you do anything because you are completely sure that that something will be able to answer any question and solve any problem. I believe that this is how people develop identities. Identities are built upon what defines a person, and what defines a person is what they believe in. Therefore, to summarize what this has to do with me, I believe that because I have become so incapable of discerning the good and bad within myself, I have lost any sense of identity. Essentially this means that I have lost sight of what I hold to be truth.
Stagnation
Being unable to identify oneself has honestly been one of the most frustrating experiences I've ever had to deal with. When one loses a grasp on reality, on who they are and what they are doing here, one of two things will happen to that person. They either will try to regain a sense of identity by going out to explore "the world," or two, they will become despondent, much like I did.
What do I mean when I talk about "exploring the world?" Please do not misunderstand me here and think that I am against exploring cultures that are different than our own, but I do think that there are hidden meanings within the reasons why we as human beings feel like we need to go out into the world. It is my understanding that "exploring the world" leads to a cyclical experience in which one is stimulated, inspired to act, and then enlightened. As a result, one can be very naturally lead to explore more and more cultures or perspectives that were not their own. I do not believe this is a bad thing in itself, but rather that this can very often become an addiction. This idea of constantly searching and striving for more exposure, helps initiate the next stimulation, consequently inspiring and ultimately enlightening the individual. In a sense, seeking a certain level of stimulation and inspiration is to provide one with a self-empowering high. This high then grants them the motivation to understand, process, and apply what they've just been exposed to. This type of cyclical environment presents an opportunistic view that one can go meaning of life through experience and ones reaction to it.
You may be asking yourself now, what is wrong with a desire for experiential highs? In addition to why would despondency be a more authentic and genuine reaction to life as it is? As the process explained above implies, a cyclical environment involves a full circle, so not just ups but also the downs, to produce a balance. What happens between the time of enlightenment and the next stimulation? Either you can become obsessed with the most recent or previous enlightenments, allowing it to define who you will be and who you want to be, or there is a moment of downtime. It is during this downtime that most of us will experience some form of despondency. I think what happens here is that we are forced to come to terms with who we are and what we are doing here. More often than not this leads to searching the world around us to find some sort of stimulation that is usually something that we that we can relate to or identify with. Through this people find meaning in the things they do: their work, their significant other, their friends, their family, their accomplishments, etc. The other common result despondency tends to do is make people turn inward and look within themselves for answers. What is unnerving about this is that if we are honest with ourselves, when we slow down and take the time to look inward, we are almost always confronted with questions like: why am I here, who am I, where am I going, what's the point, is there more to life?
Now I understand that despondency would seem like something to avoid, but I’d like to challenge that by asking this question, “Wouldn’t it be better to understand who we are and why we are here, to find true identity and place, rather than allowing experiences and the world around us to do this for us?” Which one of these sounds like a more honest and real experience? Let us look at each one separately so we can better compare them.
Experiential Gratification vs. Despondent Revelation
These were my initial thoughts on this. I know it is not a perfect comparison so if it needs modification or further explanation let me know.
Experiential Gratification can provide:
Short-term (Initial gains)
Quick, sometimes instant gratification
The impression of self control in one’s life
The impression of self empowerment
Long-term (What it leads to)
Never fully satisfied (always wanting the next best thing)
Your happiness is dependant on your surroundings
You are reliant on your circumstances
Despondent Revelation can provide:
Short-term (Initial consequences)
Hardship
Suffering
Doubt
Uncertainty
Lack of confidence
Long-term (What it leads to)
Self realization – come to better understanding of self
Sense of Hope and courage for the present and future
Helps lead to a sense of contentment in all situations
Takes your fate out of your hands, so begins to remove stress
Gives you a stronger foundation than yourself to lean on
What is Despondent Revelation?
What I am thinking here is the revelation one can come to after struggling with a despondent spirit. The conclusions one comes to are either to reenter the cyclical lifestyle of searching the world for happiness (experiential gratification), or you enter into a relationship with God (despondent revelation), discovering or rediscovering the covenants he has made with his people. So one deals with moving on and ignoring the deep longing within ones soul, the other deals with finding answers to that longing, searching for the truths of this world.
Feedback and criticism would be greatly appreciated.
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